Why Learning Doesn’t Happen Without Regulation (and What “Regulation First” Really Looks Like)
When people aren’t regulated, focusing on anything is hard. Adults know this well—try concentrating on work when you’re overwhelmed, overstimulated, or emotionally dysregulated. Children are no different.
When kids aren’t regulated, everyday things like schoolwork, chores, and even sleep become significantly more challenging. For autistic and neurodivergent children especially, regulation isn’t a “nice extra”—it’s the foundation for learning.
Let me show you what I mean.
A Real-Life Regulation First Moment
My son is 8 years old, and he always needs to hold two toys. Not one. Two.
They must be the same type of toy but different in some way—maybe different colors, maybe different characters. Right now, it’s Little People (before that, it was cars).
There are rules, of course.
The figures must be different people.
They can’t have too many accessories.
No astronauts holding helmets—absolutely not.
These two figures are constant companions. He shakes them. He bangs them together. He chews on them. They are always in his hands.
As you can imagine, this doesn’t do wonders for their lifespan.
Last Thursday afternoon, just as we were getting ready to start homeschool, the bottom of one Little Person finally came loose. It was broken beyond repair and had to be thrown away.
Here’s Where I’ve Grown
The old me—early in our homeschool and autism journey—would have said something like,
“Don’t worry about that right now. Let’s just get our work done.”
And here’s what would have happened:
He would have felt sad and unsettled.
He would have fixated on not having two toys.
He would have been unable to focus on anything I was teaching.
Meanwhile, I would have grown frustrated. I probably would have raised my voice. We both would have ended the day dysregulated—and very little learning (if any) would have taken place.
What We Did Instead
We paused homeschool.
We pulled out all the Little People and carefully looked through them until we found the one that was just right. Only after his body and brain felt settled did we move forward.
And even then, we adjusted how we learned.
We’re currently studying tornadoes. The original plan involved reading, writing, and practicing key terms at the table. Instead, I did most of the talking while he repeated key ideas—and then I turned him into a tornado.
He spun in circles while we talked about how tornadoes form.
We repeated the steps again and again as he moved.
He laughed. He smiled. He was fully engaged.
Was this the original lesson plan? No.
Was it effective? Absolutely.
He remembered how tornadoes form. He recalled important facts. And most importantly—he felt safe, regulated, and successful.
Regulation First Doesn’t Mean “No Learning”
This part matters.
Putting regulation first did not mean we skipped academics.
It did not mean we abandoned expectations.
It meant we adjusted the path to learning that day.
Did he eventually write out the steps of tornado formation? Yes.
Did he complete his vocabulary work? Yes.
Did we do it that Thursday? No.
We did it the following week—once his nervous system was ready.
Because regulation first means honoring the child before the checklist.
Why Regulation First Matters So Much
I used to say that no one is harder on my kids than I am—and honestly, that hasn’t changed.
I want to raise children who are kind, empathetic, and emotionally regulated.
I also want to raise children who know things.
I want them to understand math.
To solve problems.
To conduct science experiments.
To be curious.
To love learning.
Putting regulation first is how we build an environment where learning feels safe—where it’s something to look forward to instead of something to fear.
Because when children feel regulated, heard, and secure, learning doesn’t disappear.
It finally has room to begin.
